This could be a long one…

I’ve blogged before about this a little bit, and it’s not something I particularly dwell on, despite an upbringing that was peppered with adults obsessed about the topic.

I’m speaking of course about the big ending. You know, the BIG ENDING. The one where Jesus comes back. That’s about as far as I’m willing to take it, by the way. According to the New Testament, which I believe, Jesus, who I also believe, says He will return. And I believe Him. What I’m not quite so sure about is all theories about how that will happen. It’s not that I think I know better. It’s just that I’m not sold out on one particular theory. Let’s give the Left Behind fans a moment to recover from my heresy, and then move on… … Okay.

So it’s with interest that I read an interview over at Monkey Outta Nowhere with Jason Boyett who has written a book about all the different rapture/non-rapture millienial/a-millenial theories. And it sounds like Boyett’s tone, which one Amazon reviewer described as “snarky”, would fit well with my views on some of these theories and theorists. His book is now near the top of my reading list.

Like Boyett, I probably come closest to the preterist view of things, though I was raised as a dispensationalist, with clear teachings that Jesus was coming back in 1988 er 1989 er 1994 er 1996 er 2000 er… You see the problem, don’t you? If your ministry ultimately does nothing other than foster cynicism (Harold Camping, perhaps?) or if your ministry gains converts only by scaring them into a fire insurance policy (Left Behind, anyone?) then I sort of question that ministry.

And I guess that’s the point of this post, because the Boyett article led to one place, which led to another, which led to another, which ultimately led to Jack Van Impe’s website.

Van Impe is a loud voice in the LaHaye doctrinal camp of the impending rapture. Van Impe has memorized a huge amount of Scripture – he fires off Scripture references left and right on his show. And he has all sorts of ideas about how everything is leading us to the end of this current age. And I suppose he’s right to an extent. I mean, each day/hour/minute brings that ultimately closer, right?

But it’s interesting reading his site. Particularly looking at his viewer mail section. It’s here we can learn some interesting things.

1. When we’re raptured, we’ll all be between 28-33 years of age. The way he knows this seems a little shakey to me. Particularly since in another question Van Impe quotes Paul from I Corinthians 15:51-54 saying that we will be changed. How does Van Impe know that our DNA won’t also be changed?

2. Van Impe had some specific advice for the Bush presidency on how to avoid triggering Armageddon, but if Armageddon means the return of Jesus, isn’t it sort of something we should actually want to happen?

3. Van Impe is quick to point out that he does not set dates for when Christ will return, then repeatedly tells us that it’s going to be around 2018. He gets this date by putting together a couple Bible verses – he believes the Bible teaches that the generation that sees the foundation of the state of Israel will not pass away before Christ returns, and according to his figures, the Biblical definition of a generation is 51.5 years.

He even goes so far as to allow that perhaps the Incan and Aztec calendars, which end in 2012, offer further proof of his theory. That’s right, the pagan civilizations that brought us such God-honoring rituals as human sacrifice and sports played with human heads, also had special knowledge of Christ’s return. And again, Van Impe isn’t a date setter, but Jesus might be coming back on December 25 of 2012. Seems he needed to adjust his math – that 2018 figure was post-7-years-of-tribulation, so the rapture actually happens in 2012.

Van Impe would probably also appreciate that X-Files lore has the current age of man ending on December 22, 2012. See, Jack, even more evidence!

I guess my point is that Christ’s return shouldn’t be so tiresome and exhausting, should it? But that’s how I feel after spending some time on his site. It boggles my mind to think what will happen when Van Impe becomes aware of this site, which actually sounds like something the Mark of the Best-obsessed could legitimately worry about. (An interpreation, by the way, that I don’t really agree with.)

But what do I know. I think the Left Behind books are so poorly written that they’re laughably bad, but the series has sold millions of copies. And millions of Christians can’t be wrong, right?