Today I decided to watch two movies just to see how bad they really were. What follows are the results of my experiment.
High School Musical 3
I went into High School Musical 3 worried that I might be missing out on something having not seen High School Musical and High School Musical 2. Would skipping these earlier films mean I would miss out on the finer subtleties of this latest High School Musical film? Despite this concern, I queued up the movie on Netflix and went where 12-year-old girls happily go, but where angels fear to tread.
HSM3 (as its fans refer to it) starts with a basketball team getting their asses kicked in the state championship. I immediately felt myself caring about the plight of these young lads. This high school basketball game really could be the highlight of their entire lives. They’re right on the brink of realizing they’re never going to go pro and instead they have an empty, shallow life ahead of themselves. I have hopes that HSM3 may address these very issues, but first there must be singing.
Like every other high school basketball game I’ve attended, the basketball players sing as they play the final moments of the game. They go on about “working it out” and “turning it on” and “showing what they’re all about.” It’s a peppy little number until Troy, the male lead, gets fouled and confesses that he’s scared of taking free throws. His girlfriend sings to him from the crowd about growing a pair, and then they end up winning the game. Whew. This almost wasn’t a Disney movie.
At the celebration party, Troy takes his girlfriend to his treehouse. That’s not a euphemism. At the treehouse, there’s a duet about “wishing on a star” and being “right here” and “tomorrow can wait” and “right now there’s you and me.” This seems like it might be a preamble to awkward teen sex, but instead it’s a prelude to awkward teen hugging and swooning and Troy not getting any because his mom shows up and spoils the mood.
The next day at school, Reese Witherspoon shows up all Elle-Woods-style dressed in pink, but it’s not Reese. It’s someone with significantly less acting ability. Some new British student wants to be her personal assistant, and most importantly, I don’t care about any of this. Apparently Pinky, as I had briefly begun to call her, is named Sharpay. According to the song she sings at lunch “she wants it all,” as does her flamboyant brother, Ryan. And by “all,” they mean fame and riches and going on Oprah, because what 18-year-old doesn’t aspire to be on Oprah? Anyway, the cafeteria suddenly has a giant replica of the Statue of Liberty head in it, because there is nothing so American as unwarranted self-confidence, and apparently this public school has a ridiculous budget for lunchroom entertainment. The school I attended didn’t even have hot lunches, so these kids obviously come from a different world than I’m familiar with, what with the full-scale Hollywood musicals happening in the cafeteria.
Meanwhile, Troy gets his girlfriend Gabriella up on the school roof to sing another song, this one about waltzing and “catching lightning” (which is not really that fun, Troy) and “feeling the way they do” and you can almost see the moment when Troy realizes that despite the hormones and sentiments they’re expressing, he’ll be lucky to get a handshake at the end of the song. There’s more singing and dancing, and almost-but-not-quite groping and kissing.
Troy vents his frustration by harassing some non-senior guys with his buddy Chad. We’ve seen Chad before, but this is the first time anybody’s said his name. The movie assumes if you’re along for the third ride, you’ve been on the first two. We’re then treated to a scene where Gabriella tries to get Troy to admit he’d rather be singing than playing basketball. I dunno, Gabriella. He sort of sucks at both. “Don’t discount a career in janitorial services, Troy.” That’s what I’d be telling him.
Chad asks some chick named Taylor to the prom, and apparently this is all freakin’ hilarious and dramatic and not just another lame moment in the life of a high school student. And now the kids are singing about prom – “the night of all nights” – and how excited the girls are and how reluctant the boys are (huh?), and how it’s going to be “a night to remember,” and I’m still having my doubts because this is a G-rated movie.
We’ve now had a song not about Troy and Gabriella’s chaste love, so it’s time for another number as the kids rehearse for the spring musical. Troy and Gabriella “just want to be with you” and by “you” they mean “each other”, and there’s still an hour left of this movie?
Up next, thrill to the scene of Troy and Chad visiting the junkyard to get a part for Troy’s crappy truck. Troy sifts through a pile of junk, and gripes about how his future should be his own future, and not the future of the professional wrestler guy who runs the junkyard and wants Troy to play basketball, not that you can blame the junkyard guy for wanting a different future. Then Troy and Chad sing about how “the boys are back” and dance around in the junkyard in a completely heterosexual way. Apparently this goes on for quite some time, because suddenly it’s the middle of the night and they’re brandishing fake swords at a junkyard car. What did the old car ever do to you, Troy? “No one can stop us now!” they declare to the car, and the car just shrugs like it’s seen this all before. Suddenly Troy and Chad are accompanied by a bunch of Mad Max reject grease monkeys. They all dance together in the junkyard and it is not at all fey. And then the song ends and the backup dancers disappear and Troy and Chad walk off like that whole weird musical thing didn’t just happen. But we know what really happened out there. Did Troy even pick up a part for his old truck? Who knows. I imagine that outside the junkyard, the crusty owner quietly weeps for not being invited to participate in their little dance number.
The next day, Troy finds out Gabriella’s been accepted to some prestigious program at Stanford, which is in a different state, and that means they have to break up and say goodbye and move on from each other, so Gabriella goes to kiss him on the cheek, but then Troy moves his head and she accidentally pecks him on the mouth. That Troy! Troy leaves, and dear God, how can there still be 50 minutes left, but at least we got out of that scene without another song. But no we didn’t. Gabriella starts singing about not wanting to say goodbye but how she needs to “just walk away” and she walks through her house and all the stuff in it starts disappearing, which is supposed to look cool, but just has me thinking that her parents won’t be too happy about her taking the house apart. But whatever. Gabriella is gone and Troy is back up on the school roof again, probably kissing his hand since his “girlfriend” wouldn’t even kiss him goodbye.
With Gabriella gone, Sharpay gets Gabriella’s lead in the musical, and judging by the background music, we are supposed to care about this tragedy. Troy feels sad, so he goes to shoot some hoops with a guy we’ve seen earlier. Either the guy is Troy’s dad, or else the basketball coach is sleeping in Troy’s driveway. Wait, it’s both. Oh, and his dad wants him to play basketball, not sing. But Troy wants to sing! Troy runs off and breaks into the school – or do they just give keys to the basketball team now? He sneaks into the locker room, puts on his jersey, and starts singing to himself. This would only be more pathetic if he were drunk. Then it starts raining basketballs and he starts kicking them and raging about how he ought to be able to do whatever he wants with his life, and the room starts spinning and he slips around on the walls and there are either a lot of strobe lights firing off screen or the school is in a tornado, and Troy is being very emotive and he looks up at big banners of basketball players and he rips them down, and I feel sorry for the janitor who is going to have to clean up after Troy, but maybe the janitor will remember to lock up the school tomorrow night. I think that may be the real story this movie is trying to tell. Perhaps I am missing the point. Anyway, Troy wants his own dreams, and now he’s all sweaty and his hair is mussed and the drama coach happens to be stalking him or something and they have a heart to heart about how she applied to Julliard for Troy, and she takes off her glasses, and I am relieved to see her walk away because Troy looks a little bit like he’d hump anything at this point.
So Gabriella is at Stanford and the musical at school is falling apart because Garbriella isn’t there because she’s off selfishly being smart and taking advantage of an amazing opportunity. Stupid Gabriella for having a future outside of this stupid town! She’s smart and pretty and for that we all hate her. Gabriella makes another adult decision ahead of her years: prom is stupid. She’s right, but when she tells this to Troy, he gets upset because he thought she might accidentally touch him while they danced or something, and Troy’s ready to lie and call that First Base. For some inexplicable reason, Gabrielle calls Troy “Wildcat” and it is awkward. The name of the sports team at the school is the Wildcats, and so while Gabrielle is smart, she’s not that clever with the nicknames.
Troy is now dateless for the prom. Chad (remember Chad?) tries to cheer him up, with little success. Troy goes all stalker crazy and shows up at Stanford wearing a tux and standing in a tree. Gabriella sees him and again calls him “Wildcat,” perhaps because he is in a tree wearing a tux, just like untamed felines tend to do. I wish there were some way to remind me of how these two feel about each other. Oh wait, here’s another song about dancing and how their hearts are wherever the other person is, and now they’re at the prom, except they’re not. I think they’re just imagining, or hallucinating. They may be hallucinating. They keep singing to each other “can I have this dance” over and over, even though they’re already dancing together and nobody else is there and I feel like just being around Troy must be a drain on Gabriella’s IQ.
At the end of the song, they finally kiss. Repeatedly. On the mouth. And what does Troy do? Mr. Smooth takes the opportunity to make Gabriella feel bad about leaving Wildcat town to start her bright future. “Some of us are losers, and we don’t appreciate it when people do better than us,” Troy says, more or less. Troy tries to guilt her into being a loser like he is. What a great guy!
So it’s the big night of the musical, and in addition to Gabriella ruining the musical by running off to Stanford, Troy’s little jaunt to Stanford is also ruining it too. He’s on his way back, but he’s going to be late. I only pray that Troy makes it back before the end of the musical. Wouldn’t that be amazing if it worked out that way?
So the show must go on, with stand-ins for the leads. They start singing about how, unlike this movie, “high school can’t last forever.” And then the cheerleaders are back singing the song from the very beginning of the movie, and my head starts to spin because this might mean the movie now has an excuse to repeat everything we’ve already seen, because it’s a musical within a musical within a musical, and that is not clever. It is vile, but the parents don’t agree with me because they jump to their feet and are way too excited about wasting a Thursday night in a high school auditorium.
Up next, we’re getting the “Want it All” song again, which confirms my fear that the end of this movie is going to be the Cliff Notes version of the beginning of this movie. Anyway, Sharpay has to sing with the Troy stand-in, who is young and dorky and SO not Troy, and the stand-in misses his cue and that shows up on stage dressed like a pimp and it is awkward, BUT THEN OHMYGOD! Troy AND Gabriella show up to save the musical and they redo the song that was just done by the stand-ins, because it’s their song, and because we need to hear this song three times because it’s probably the only song Disney has any shot at turning into a single. But here’s the thing: It’s not that great of a song. And now the crowd is getting into it and there is hugging and everyone wants to be with everyone and the Julliard talent scout people are even getting into it and everyone is having the best night of their lives despite the fact they’re spending it at a high school musical, and that’s a happy little piece of fiction, isn’t it?
And then Sharpay and her assistant have a big on-stage fight that is, like, both super dramatic and very funny, yet also super awesome and like, oh my god. Then the seniors come out and get their names announced even though this isn’t a graduation ceremony and it is, like, emotional! And Troy announces he’s going to play basketball AND he’s going to be in theatre, and he’s going to go to school 37 miles away from Gabriella, who doesn’t even get her own shout out because now she will never have her own identity apart from Troy and she smiles likes she happy about it even though on the inside her soul is withering. At least that’s what I read into it.
But stop the musical! Chad (remember Chad?) has gone missing. He’s hiding in the gym because he’s mad that Troy chose his girlfriend over him. Chad has to deal and go graduate, and speaking of resolving issues, Troy and his dad hug it out and then we get what I hope is the final song, because now they’re actually at graduation. For some reason, Troy is the class speaker, and I wouldn’t have signed off on that. Troy strings three sentences together, sort of, then gets his diploma, and everyone runs and screams and hugs and cheers, yet still, nobody wants to touch Troy. Now Chad isn’t even interested.
There is yet another song about “high school musical” and “stepping into the future” and “celebrating where we come from” because this movie does not know when to roll over and die. But perhaps the very best part of this entire move is the final line of the final song, where everyone sings about how they want the rest of their lives to be just like a high school musical. So high aspirations for everyone!
10,000 B.C.
10,000 B.C. is the kind of movie that has a 2-hour runtime that you can watch in just an hour solely by fastforward through all the sweeping vista shots. Yes, people are walking. On mountains. And now they are in Egypt. Or something. But first they must walk through a jungle inhabited by giant, poorly-rendered CGI ostriches, because the director really wanted velociraptors in his movie, but thought fierce predatory ostriches would be more believable.
And that’s really all you need to know about 10,000 B.C. You WILL be bored. You WILL be annoyed. You WILL ponder the vaguely British accents. There’s a bit of high drama in the end when the female lead dies. But then she isn’t dead and we get a full-on happy ending. Oh, and the male lead? He’s friends with a sabertoothed tiger, but that isn’t that remarkable, because the tiger is even more CGI-looking than the 14-foot ostriches.
10,000 B.C. is not, however, what I would call a movie that makes me wish I were back to watching High School Musical 3. In fact, I would say that 10,000 B.C. is the better of the two movies, solely because it’s possible to fast-forward through so much of 10,000 B.C. without missing anything. After watching these two cinematic disasters, I’m left wishing these movies had somehow been combined. They were not, but I really think that in College Musical 1, Troy’s head should be ripped off by a giant feral ostrich. I might pay to see that.